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xxxatashixxx
17 December 2016 @ 04:24 pm
So I got a new job. I'm starting on the 16th of January and I'm really scared. Like, I want the job, but I'm not sure if I have the abilities to do it well? I don't know how they thought I was the best of the bunch. I'll update you on it when I start.
 
 
xxxatashixxx
03 December 2016 @ 10:57 pm
So I just want a space to myself. Like, I don't have a bedroom to myself. The room that used to be my bedroom isn't healthy to be in. Even online, I always feel that the space that I occupy has to be tailored in order to be consumed, if that makes sense. But it won't make sense.

It's been 21 weeks since my telephone assessment for CBT. I've been told not to ring up anymore and just to wait for them. If I haven't heard anything by the new year I'll call back.

Since the last time I updated this, I've had two job interviews. I didn't get them, but it was good that I had them. I hope that I'll be successful soon.

Like at the moment all I wanna do it just speak gibberish. Just like bleurgh bleh bleurghhh. Because I can't express myself. But the way that I say that gibberish, I hope that someone understands what I'm saying.

Ugh
 
 
xxxatashixxx
09 October 2016 @ 03:10 pm
90. Wow.

I'll give you an update:

I went back to my GP and was referred for counselling. After a telephone assessment at the start of July I was put on the waiting list for cognitive behavioural therapy. Still on the waiting list. I have to call up in around 3 or 4 weeks to see how it's going.

In regards to Johnny's, I haven't been keeping up. Still with V6, have no clue about KAT-TUN, and just did a Googdle search to see how Sanada was doing. So he's in a unit with Yasui and some others. Don't know what Nozawa's doing. I think Kajiyama's okay.

Definitely not going to Ukraine next year for Eurovision, and I'm not too hopeful for the Ukrainian presentation either. I'm just waiting for announcements regarding artists and songs. I don't really fit in to tumblr eurovision fandom so it's a bit lonely.

I've moved over a bit to Russian pop. At the moment I'm really into MBAND. And I wish there could be more series like the show they were created on. Within the Russian industry. I know there was a Korean version but that's not what I want.

Still not liking my job, I'm just so ready to go. But I have too much responsibility. It's hard and emotionally draining. No replies back from any of the jobs I've applied for.

So that's it from me.
 
 
xxxatashixxx
20 May 2016 @ 08:52 pm
So it's been a while.

I'm back from Stockholm. Eurovision was amazing - such a fantastic experience. I'd like to go again, but I'm not comfortable going to Ukraine. While I wanted Russia to win overall, Jamala was definitely a worthy winner. By the time of the final she was in my top 4 to win. At the same time, I'm slightly disappointed, but the main reason is that there could only be one winner when, for the first time, I wanted more than one winner, and all of them got incredibly close. My favourite overall was Poland, but he got second last during the first stage of the voting, the jury voting. You should have seen my face! It was described as resting bitch face but that's not my normal face! I'm very happy that the televote placed him third - that was what was most important to him. Even in his first X Factor audition, it was his aim to show the audience that he loved them, and the effect was that they loved him in return. A lot of people are saying he did well because of diaspora voting, but if that were the case then Poland's previous representatives would have had similar points, but they didn't. I personally don't see anything wrong with diaspora voting; the televotes are a representation of what the people within specific borders thought of the contest. If there is a large Polish community within those borders contributing to the overall thoughts of the nation, then they are legitimate and valid. For example, it's not a question of what the UK thought of the acts, but what people within the UK who watched the contest and then decided to vote thought. Either way, I'm very happy for him. I wish him well.

In regards to seeing my GP, that I talked about in my last post, I just completely broke down as soon as my mouth opened. As a result, I took a blood test to see if there was anything really really wrong with me apart from what I already know, and I did a food diary for a week which was super bad. The blood test said that I didn't have diabetes but my cholesterol levels were of concern. Lifestyle and genetics contribute to that but the only thing I can change is the lifestyle bit. I still have to change, but I'm going to wait until June when I can get good value gym membership.

I haven't really been keeping up with much Johnny's-related stuff. I've given up hope on my favourite juniors to debut and with KAT-TUN on their hiatus and lack of active fandom it's really hard. I have a J-WEB subscription so I'm trying to stay up-to-date with V6. That's about it.

Apart from that, everything's basically the same. I've been at my job for a year and I'm looking for other opportunities. I don't like where I work but I'm an adult and a "good girl," therefore an "adult child" so I'll stay there until I can move on rather than have a rest and move on. -_-" everything is generally draining though.
 
 
xxxatashixxx
16 January 2016 @ 11:57 pm
I got tickets for the Eurovision jury final. I'm going with two friends and I'm really excited.

Probably won't get to go to Japan until 2017 though, but I'm going to Australia in December and spending Christmas and New Years' there so that's another thing to keep me going.

I'm going to see my GP on Monday, to talk about my weight and stuff. If I am depressed, I want a formal diagnosis. I won't call myself depressed until someone professional says I am. I could just be sad or hormonal or something. I don't exactly know what I'm going to say to her though, so I'll just plan it out here?
- Put on two stone over the past year
- Metformin is a waste on me
- Not really doing anything proactive in losing weight; unable to plan meals, not motivated to do activity/exercise
- Generally feeling sad, unmotivated, tired all of the time, not wanting to do anything
- Not adjusting well between uni and work; waking + eating times have changed (waking not so much), hard to be "on" all of the time
- Feeling like I'm a waste
- Just feeling like I want to stop; exist but not existing
- Don't want to die, just stop
I'm gonna put this on my phone so I can refer to this.

On to Taguchi. So he's leaving at the end of Spring. A lot of people I see are saying that at least he was able to say it himself; that he was kinder than abruptly announcing it via a fax from Johnny's. Still not good enough for me. The fans weren't allowed to react. This is what happened.
Sakurai: Taguchi, you have something to say.
Taguchi: Yup. I'm leaving KAT-TUN (fan scream) and the Jimusho (louder fan scream) at the end of spring. I'm too old to be a male idol, being 30. No point to carry on, not what I really want to do, wasn't a long-term plan, etc.
Sakurai: What do you have to say, Kame?
Kamenashi: Sorry, so sorry. I'm really sorry. Please continue... to support... us through these... troubling times. So sorry.
Sakurai: Okay, and now they're performing Dead or Alive, douzo!
Ugh. In my opinion his reasons weren't justifiable. I don't think he's being straightforward with his reasons either; I think he's covering up a larger reason (such as wanting to get married/starting a family). Looking back, if he ever thought that KAT-TUN wasn't a long-term thing for him, he should have said it earlier. But he didn't, and you've got the other members literally begging him to stay, because they thought (and with good reason) that their vision for KAT-TUN was shared among the four of them. They were wrong and now the only one not suffering is Taguchi himself.

And on to SMAP. Ugh. What is happening. Mary made Iijima resign, because Mary has the power to do so and she's been sick of Iijima's supposed shit-stirring when it's obvious that Julie's inheriting the company. SMAP think of Iijima as their foster mother, because she's the only one to believe in them when they were failing. Mary thinks that SMAP should have changed managers regularly to avoid their dependence on Iijima. SMAP talk about leaving with Iijima, and they decide to leave apart from Kimura. People are speculating why Kimura would choose to stay (whether they're personal, professional, financial). I think it's likely that he has shares in the company that could be jeopardised by him leaving? I'm not sure whether that's legal or not but where does legality come into the picture of behind-the-scenes Japanese talent agencies XD Especially seeing that Burning Agency is an option for SMAP. So SMAP is having a crisis because they're not leaving together, and the Jimusho is having a crisis because they want them ALL to either stay or go (but mostly to stay).
Currently, I don't think much of Iijima. She hasn't been managing the groups she has well (as in, to the contentment of the fans). Both Kis-My-Ft2 and Sexy Zone have been split. I hear that Sexy Zone were transferred over to Julie recently, and that their most recent single had full participation of all members. I think that she doesn't really care for any group other than SMAP. I can definitely say that I prefer Julie, even if she's shady as well.
I remember when I was new in fandom, and I was over on Baka no Sekai (I wish that was still there T_T it was so much easier to make friends) and there was a thread about the factions, but it wasn't Iijima and Julie, it was Mary and Johnny XD That Mary was sick of the "bad boy" groups so wanted to give those to Johnny, but in that process, taking Kamenashi out of KAT-TUN and YamaP out of NEWS XD SMAP wasn't designated as a "bad boy" group, so was on Mary's side XD I always wonder where that came from.
So we'll see how that goes...
 
 
 
xxxatashixxx
15 September 2015 @ 07:46 pm
So I graduated with a 2:1. All's well. Working as a receptionist and activities coordinator at the moment. Was hoping to go to Japan next month but I'm hoping to do that in February instead ^^" Gives me more time to save up. I wonder what KAT-TUN will be doing next year... Still waiting for news about Eurovision tickets -_-

The adult world is hard. It doesn't have to be, but it is. And for me that's the most frustrating thing. I really wanna be back at uni. So badly. There was stress, probably the same amount of stress. But I only had to answer to myself, and there were no emotions in the professional relationships I had. Emotions fly about in the adult world. I just want to go back to uni. Hopefully I'll be able to save up for a masters after I save up for and do some travelling.

I'm still on tumblr. Most of my posts are reblogs of Miyake Ken though. I can live with that. Right now I'm more into V6 than KAT-TUN. I think that's due to their activity levels and exposure to resources. I miss the silliness of the old fandom. I'm too scared to enter the V6 fandom properly ^^" which sounds quite silly XD but I feel quite young compared to other people there. I don't want them to feel like I have to depend on them, which is probably what would happen. It's not like they're super old XD It's just that they seem that they know what they're doing.

I bought V6's SUPER Very best. And I managed to get it onto my Mac, which doesn't have a CD port thing. I didn't really appreciate their songs when I first heard them. Like, I'd listen to LIGHT IN YOUR HEART and GUILTY but I would think that their other songs were too 00s for me. Again, being silly ^^"

I'm meeting up with two uni friends tomorrow, so that should be fun :D
 
 
xxxatashixxx
27 June 2015 @ 09:04 pm
Wow.

I'm back here.

Uni's wrapped up; results come out on Thursday then I'm graduating on the 22nd.

I'm looking at post ~ #85 ~ and wow, was I procrastinating or what?! XD I'm glad that I went through it though.

Despite not being ill for such a long time, summer's come around and I can't speak -_-"
I'm going to Italy on Wednesday... finally got a passport :D Hoping to go to Japan in October (I have a couple of friends who got places on the JET programme and another friend who will be interning in Shanghai/Hong Kong so it would definitly be nice to catch up with them) and I want to go to Sweden in May (for Eurovision, because yes, they won again -_- Italy was robbed)

I've started using my tumblr as well, so we'll see how that goes.

Anyway, next year will be KAT-TUN's 10th anniversary since debut and my 8th anniversary with them ^.^
We've been quite distant recently; I can directly connect with the downfall of the public online community, which is sad. Nevertheless, I'm happy that I'm still with KAT-TUN :D

That's it from me for now ~
 
 
xxxatashixxx
13 January 2015 @ 09:41 pm
It's been so long.

I've been back on livejournal just trying to get files, to be honest, and I was going through my previous posts and laughing XD I think I'm going to answer all the queries in my previous posts.
So
...Collapse )...That's it. Just over 7 years of me rambling. I'm quite happy that I did this. And I can't wait to look back at this post and cringe at what I'm typing right now XD
 
 
Current Mood: nostalgicnostalgic
Current Music: Miyake Ken - Yuugure Orenji
 
 
xxxatashixxx
23 November 2012 @ 10:34 pm
It sounds weird but I just feel like talking and have no one listen XD Just to talk so freely and not think about who will read this or what they will think of me. Writing like this - or should I say typing? - seems so unnatural. But it's also very unnatural to talk aloud to yourself about yourself. I'm very self-centred, I just want to talk about myself. I'm not interested in other people. Even though I'm not interesting, I still find myself wanting to talk to people about everything. For example, I'd watch a video and talk about that video to other people. I want people to take an interest in me, without me taking an interest in them. But I don't just want some random stranger saying "I want to hear your life story"... or do I? I seem very bored with everything at the moment. I feel that, at this point in my life, important things are happening to me everyday, but I just can't convey them to people simply because it's not interesting or it just sounds too self-centred. Or it will call upon information that I would only know and would then have to tell the listener. But it's just not important to them. Just like they're not important to me. Or it's that only I would get it. I'm getting very bored all the time. I do things on the internet, but once that's been exhausted, what do I do? I don't want to study. I don't want to work. I just want to be myself. And even writing this I'm not myself. It's just awkward writing this and that's not who I am as known by me. That's probably who I am according to other people. And it's only when I'm around other people that I'm awkward. Sometimes, I think to myself what if everything stopped? I'd be so much more comfortable. But then that's just showing that I'm the problem. But I'm not. Because I'm okay. It's just getting boring. I'm just intensely bored. I want something new to happen. Something that affects me so I can get out. So that I can change. I like myself. I like my company. But I hate myself. I don't even know anymore. It's becoming hard to type. Why can't I put it on here? I want to talk I don't know that they're listening, why should I talk. What purpose do I have? I'm nothing. But I want this nothingness to be noticed. I'm just finding it so hard at the moment. How can other people do this? I don't care about their problems, I just want to know how they do it.
 
 
xxxatashixxx
27 September 2012 @ 03:22 pm
What does the moon look like where you are?
I was walking home yesterday, and I looked at the moon. A "waning gibbous", with a face. If you see a face on the surface, what does it look like to you? It looked at something in the distance behind me, either moaning at the unknown disturbance, or entranced by it but with a face of horror. It doesn't smile at anything; it doesn't notice me. But I'm glad it's there.

I feel like leaving it as that, but I have things to say.

SOAS is great.
University is scary.
Everything is scrambled.
I have a locker.

My make-up skills are better.
My handwriting is atrocious.
My expression needs improving.
It's cold inside.

Yasmin, do you remember that time when you went to the Japanese language faculty office to ask about your timetable? There was a notice about a placement test in 3 minutes so you rushed there and asked about it. You attempted the test, didn't you? But you couldn't do it; you didn't even know why you were there and you didn't have a chance to explain your confusion. But you got on the course. You still had to do a placement test and then be grouped into 1 or 4. I wonder how that went.

Do you also remember being worried about making new friends? You were so lucky to go on the bridging course and make friends earlier than most, but you felt almost cut off from everyone else because they stuck together a lot. But they were really good at social skills; you, not so much. I wonder who your friends will be by the end of this.
 
 
Current Mood: draineddrained